Accidentally Found Continent

Sleeping Bag for an Ipod

Some Things I Have Always Wanted To Do

1. Skydive
2. Walk around NYC and hand 20 dollar bills to homeless people or anyone playing their music.
3. Be in a photo shoot on America's Next Top Model
4. Cut off someone's long braid
5. Hang out with Alanis Morissette
6. Walk on the runway of a fashion show
7. Publish an article in the NY Times
8. Live in Africa, France, and Australia
9. Play a villain in a movie with a lot of crazy makeup
10. Tell off rude customers who harass employees
11. Learn 2 more languages
12. swim in a pool of pomegranate seeds
13. Organize a human rights rally
14. Get paid to organize people's rooms
    

LIVin' In Your Own List

There is a list I have that is on a loose piece of paper in my room some where and it is one of my top five best lists. It is the kind of list you can bring anywhere and entertain a crowd (only if you have my comedic ability, of course). This list is called "LIST OF HYSTERICS". It is simple. It is a list of stories that have either happened to me or someone I knew. I gathered these stories of hysterics and put their titles on a page. Some of the titles include-"Felipe" "Steak!" "Steve-O" and "Shana". These stories are NOT inside jokes of any kind. They are for everyone to enjoy.

So stop what you were doing before this- picking your nose, procrastinating,listening to Weezer, watching Jurrasic Park- and write your own list of hysterics.

The world is only funnier if you make it that way.

Harry Potter's Other Other Job

A Conversation at the Restaurant

Maya and I are working and a group of middle school boys come in...

Boys- Umm hi. Is Armani that co-owner of this place?

Maya- (Straight faced) No, Harry Potter is.

Boys- What??

Me: Harry Potter! You know him?

Boys- (Mass confusion) what? Oh, gotcha

They leave for a couple minutes and then return

Boys- (Straight faced) Wait, Harry Potter is definitely not the co-owner.

They think to themselves for a sec and mill in and out of each other. Then their sense of humor light bulb lights up.

Boys- Isn't it Dumbledore?

Me- No, he died a while back.

Boys- Umm okay.

The power of Harry. I never got into the books or the movies, but for some reason I am reallllly into Harry Potter humor.

Gestural Encyclopedia

One fine day I took a look in the "Book of Gestural Indications". I was curious to find out what the definition of the "gun to the head gesture" was. Many people use this gesture when they are not enjoying the situation they are in or they simply cannot stand to be doing what they are doing. This gesture usually comes from a place of cold sarcasm and is used at the end of ones rope. As my eyes searched for this gesture on the page, I was shocked to see the definition in bold. It was only three words.

USED BY WAITOR

Now this made sense to me. Of course, this gesture is not appropriate for every waitor nor everyday/night for a waitor, but if you have ever been screamed at by a soccer mom with three asses or a starving dieter who is honestly just ravenous for a hamburger...this definition would raise your eyebrow.

For anyone not familiar with the restaurant business, there is something we call the "Bitch Fee". Its a little extra money that we add onto the bill that reads: EXTRA: 20.00. (dramatization) When we are asked why we are charging extra...we simply answer "That is your bitch fee." Depending on what type of bitch you are, you are charged accordingly. If the customer is not familiar with what kind of bitch they are, please, warmly inform them.

The Blind Bitch
This customer feels no need to look at you once. Not while ordering or bossing you around.


The Lettuce Bitch
This customer orders a salad with no olives, no cheese, no chicken, no cucumbers, no avocado, no tomato...and dressing on the side


The Psychobitch
This customer does not listen when you ask if she wants something specific and after answering no, she screams at you for forgetting her fries.


The Chronic ordering and complaining Bitch
Self explanatory


The Innapropriate Bitch
This customer screams at you from across the room that she wants her chicken well done and only mimes the act of someone filling out a check when she wants her check.

The Deaf Bitch
This customer ignores you and continues to talk after you asked for their order.


The Question Master Bitch
This customer refuses a menu when she walks in and then asks you a million questions that could have been answered with one glance at the menu.

The Bitch Without a Watch
This is the customer that stays an hour later than the restaurant is open.


The Man Bitch
OF COURSE NOT EVERY BITCH IS A WOMAN...you knew that...



So if you are ever charged extra on a restaurant bill...ask yourself, which bitch was I???

8 Things I Am Fond of That MOST People Are Not

1. When I have an itch on my foot while I am wearing shoes.
2. Keeping the lights on while I watch a movie
3. Black olives
4. Black licorice
5. Cleaning my Room
6. When people blast music and drive down the street with their windows open
7. The beginning scent of skunk
8. An OVERWHELMING amount of students in a classroom

WORST TELEVISION SHOWS- CURRENTLY PLAYING

1. FLASHFORWARD - ABC FAMILY
2. GREEK- ABC FAMILY
3. THE SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER- ABC FAMILY
4. WIFE SWAP- TLC
5. MELROSE PLACE- CW11
6. 90210- CW11
7. SMALLVILLE- CW11
8. ONE TREE HILL- CW11
9. GILMORE GIRLS- CW11
10. NUMBER 10 IS SAVED FOR ALL THE HORRIBLE REALITY SHOWS THAT HAVE TAKEN OVER IN THE PAST 8 YEARS
    

A Masterpiece/An Obsession

BEST MOMENT THAT HBO HAS EVEN HAD
Peter Krause and Michael C. Hall
Six Feet Under

Spoken Word From a Five Year Old

"I really love your name it is beautiful." Me

"Really? I think its dumb." Her

"No.  It is a lot better than other names." Me

"Like what? Suzie?" Her

"Yea, or like BLANK and BLANK." Me

"Oh, well...I really don't think you should be bossing names around like that." Her

"Well its just an opinion  ya know? I wouldn't tell those people.  I am just telling you.  It is like if I said I liked this purple crayon better than the brown one." Me

"But crayons are not people.  You really shouldn't boss names around." Her

TOUCHE

Coloring...

"From what I can remember, you are kind of bad at drawing." Her to Me

TOUCHE

"So my mom told me that you just graduated from college so that means you are a grown up now...so why don't you have any kids?"

"I used to have two goldfish.  I named one Sarah and the other Sand Castle."

"My friend that is coming over tomorrow is two years old.  Have you ever watched anyone that young? Well if she falls down and cries just give her a bottle.  Just act like a mom ya know?  Actually, I will just take care of her."

No Silent Dinners!!!!

Here are a list of questions you can ask someone if you want to have a lively meal together...

1. What is the longest amount of time you have spent at one bar?
2. Have you ever stayed in a hotel by yourself and have you stayed in a hotel with just one other person? Who?
3. What are the last three states you would want to live in? (Courtesy of Emily W.)
4. If someone were to cast a spell on you...what would you want it to be??
5. What is one thing you know you should care about, but really just don't?
6. If you could punch one celebrity who would it be?
   
7. What is the funniest thing you have seen a kid do or say?

Top 10 Biggest Pet Peeves

1. When you are talking to someone and they keep looking away.
2. People in NYC who do not watch where they are walking and pretend they are the only ones on the street.
3. People in movies who do not rinse out their mouth with water after they brush their teeth.
4. When people set up a date in sitcoms and do not plan on a time to meet.
5. When I am in a car with someone and they can't stop screaming at other cars for things they also do.
6. People who put stuffed animals in their back car window.
7. When someone will change the way they speak because of the company that is around them.
8. When doctors do not listen to your questions.
9. When you are alone with someone and they play on their iphone the whole time.
10. When you call someone and they don't return your call...EVER
    

COMPUTER COUNSELING

Have you ever asked yourself the question: "What kind of relationship do I have with my electronics?"

TVs, cameras, cell phones, printers, and the worst of all-- COMPUTERS! If you are not sure how to know for sure what kind of relationship you and your electronics have, ask yourself these questions: "Do I drop my camera and cell phone every single time I bring them out?" "Does my computer break down when all I do is check my email?" "Have I spent more time with the Geek Squad than I have with my boyfriend or girlfriend?"

I take good care of my camera and cell phone (the verizon store is a black hole). They just want to be loved so they are good right on back. But COMPUTERS and I have a quite a past. I used to think we just completely hated each other and it would never work out, no matter how hard we wanted it to. But I can't deny it any longer. I need my computer to get by in the twenty-first century. If we went to go to couples counseling, these would be our issue topics.

1. Trust Issues- My computers don't trust me because I don't back up as much as I should.

2. Abandonment Issues- My computer will break down on me when all I use it for is checking email, playing music, and downloading my photos.

3. Secretive Issues- My computer has been deleting my photos for years and years without any explanation. When I ask why...it just responds, "File Corrupted." That is its way of avoiding the topic.

4. Boundary Issues- Sometimes I let too many people do things with my computer. Its only because I don't know how to get through to it!


5. Patience and Temper Issues- Neither of us have patience for each other and we tend to let our tempers get in the way, which then leads to sensitivity issues.

History of my Inadequate Comps:

Powerbook 2005- Could have caused me to have an ulcer. I spent more time talking about my computer than I did with my friends...just kidding, but almost. I spent $500 dollars trying to fix that piece of shit from hell.

Dell 2007- Did well with only one virus under it's belt until someone dropped it on a carpet and it decided to give up too soon.


Gateway- Gave me no trouble for a year until it decided to have pop-up vomit sessions. Maybe it was because it knew it was a replacement.

COMPUTER COUNSELING
IT OKAY TO ADMIT THAT YOU NEED IT
IT MAY END UP ALLOWING YOUR REALTIONSHIP WITH YOUR ELECTRONICS TO GROW!

I hate computers.

Summer vs. Winter

Best Things About Summer

Beautiful Flowers
Sprinklers on lawns
Sun sets late
People exercise, play, and cook outside
Good smells
Driving with the windows open
Stepping out of a cold movie theater at night and feeling the heat of the outdoors
The Beach
Central Park
Free Concerts
Thunder Storms


Bad Things About Winter

Dry skin, lips, and inside of your nose
danger of snow and ice while driving and walking
everyone stays inside
always need to bundle up
hard to get out of bed in the morning
Getting sick

One of My Favorite Hobbies

One of the best things in life is playing tricks on people when they sleep. This is quite ironic because I have been named "the devil" several times in my life. I can't seem to get it together when I wake up, or worse...YOU WAKE ME!

Here are some sleepers that I have laughed at...

Common Movie Plots

• Getting to know the outcast
• Two people hating each other and then falling in love (HATE HATE THIS PLOT)
• Different kind of folks changing a community
• Making over the Beast
• Small Town- Small Minded
• Someone's past humbling them
• Underdog wins
• Huge misunderstanding- slap stick
• A love comes from the past
• A lie that separates people in a relationship
• Someone tries to set their friend up with a woman/man and ends up falling in love with them
  

Travel Tips for Those Who Want to Avoid Wiping Their Ass With the Cardboard of a Toilet Paper Roll

A few days ago I took a wee trip to Campmor on route 17 with my sister, Vanessa. We both agreed that route 17 is an horror of a vortex that places no mercy on your soul. All the time...not just sometimes...I want to make a simple left turn...but not here...not on route 17...the highway of absolute idiocy.

Campmor is a store that sells outdoor supplies such as: tents, sleeping bags, hiking boots, etc. When we left the store I thought about my TRAVEL TIP LIST. I had created this list last year when I returned from living in Italy for 4 months. When my friend Emily went abroad to Thailand, she took a look at these tips and here they are for your viewing pleasure!

1. Always use a bag that has wheels on the bottom. (I thought this was really dorky at first, but I had to get over it when my back pains started talking to me in Spain.)


2. Wear comfortable shoes


3. If you are traveling in a city where you want to see things during the day and go out at night bring a bag that is big enough to fit things in, but small enough so it won't be annoying to lug around at night.


4. If you choose to buy a cell phone, purchase one that is easy to navigate through. (I ended up running out of euro after one conversation because the voice that was speaking to me was speaking Chinese, literally.)


5. Have an adapter with a USB, out of country plug, and other... all in one.


6. Bring your passport everywhere in a separate passport case.


7. Write down the money you spend. (You may start wanting to steal from your friends if you don't do this...just kidding...but not really)


8. Stay warm and hydrated...OR ELSE YOU WILL BE CRANKY


9. Double check plane, train, and bus information before getting on (Lets just say I thought the gate number was the train's number)


10. Bring raincoat,advil, hand sanitizer, and toilet paper...so you don't have to wipe your ass with your hand and if you do you can clean it off!


11. If you wear contacts....always have solution with you!


12. Bring a bath towel to hostels


13. DO NOT PAY FOR ANY TOURS! Especially of the Coliseum!


14. If you want to party, but don't want to spend a lot of money at bars and clubs, buy cheap alcohol before you go out and bring a flask!

There you are...my words of ultimate wisdom. Yea, I know feeling enlightened by the information given through a list is a pretty great feeling. Enjoy it.

Communicators

This is how I feel when I try to communicate with idiots...

Waaaaaabulance

I need a Waaaabulance...and a job. If you happen to find one just it send it right on over to me in a leather box with a red bow on it. Sometimes people find them right under their bed or in the trunk of their car, but others have to search...Let me know if you stumble upon the right one for me.

Bubbies Mochi Icecream

I have fallen in love with Mochi icecream. Best texture. I found them at Whole Foods. They are these tiny rice pads with icecream inside. I want to just mush them on my face! Shout out to Maya for introducing me to them!

I am going to start a sleeping bag line called "Squishy Pads" and they are going to be lined with Mochi balls. Everyone will want one.

My Lists

This is my first post...short and sweet. I am a 22 year old dancer who loves to make lists and throw water on the people I love. This blog will hopefully keep you laughing. I will intermittently post lists from the hundreds I have made. The rest of the time "LIVin' in Lists" will be random and funny.