Harry Potter's Other Other Job

A Conversation at the Restaurant

Maya and I are working and a group of middle school boys come in...

Boys- Umm hi. Is Armani that co-owner of this place?

Maya- (Straight faced) No, Harry Potter is.

Boys- What??

Me: Harry Potter! You know him?

Boys- (Mass confusion) what? Oh, gotcha

They leave for a couple minutes and then return

Boys- (Straight faced) Wait, Harry Potter is definitely not the co-owner.

They think to themselves for a sec and mill in and out of each other. Then their sense of humor light bulb lights up.

Boys- Isn't it Dumbledore?

Me- No, he died a while back.

Boys- Umm okay.

The power of Harry. I never got into the books or the movies, but for some reason I am reallllly into Harry Potter humor.

Gestural Encyclopedia

One fine day I took a look in the "Book of Gestural Indications". I was curious to find out what the definition of the "gun to the head gesture" was. Many people use this gesture when they are not enjoying the situation they are in or they simply cannot stand to be doing what they are doing. This gesture usually comes from a place of cold sarcasm and is used at the end of ones rope. As my eyes searched for this gesture on the page, I was shocked to see the definition in bold. It was only three words.

USED BY WAITOR

Now this made sense to me. Of course, this gesture is not appropriate for every waitor nor everyday/night for a waitor, but if you have ever been screamed at by a soccer mom with three asses or a starving dieter who is honestly just ravenous for a hamburger...this definition would raise your eyebrow.

For anyone not familiar with the restaurant business, there is something we call the "Bitch Fee". Its a little extra money that we add onto the bill that reads: EXTRA: 20.00. (dramatization) When we are asked why we are charging extra...we simply answer "That is your bitch fee." Depending on what type of bitch you are, you are charged accordingly. If the customer is not familiar with what kind of bitch they are, please, warmly inform them.

The Blind Bitch
This customer feels no need to look at you once. Not while ordering or bossing you around.


The Lettuce Bitch
This customer orders a salad with no olives, no cheese, no chicken, no cucumbers, no avocado, no tomato...and dressing on the side


The Psychobitch
This customer does not listen when you ask if she wants something specific and after answering no, she screams at you for forgetting her fries.


The Chronic ordering and complaining Bitch
Self explanatory


The Innapropriate Bitch
This customer screams at you from across the room that she wants her chicken well done and only mimes the act of someone filling out a check when she wants her check.

The Deaf Bitch
This customer ignores you and continues to talk after you asked for their order.


The Question Master Bitch
This customer refuses a menu when she walks in and then asks you a million questions that could have been answered with one glance at the menu.

The Bitch Without a Watch
This is the customer that stays an hour later than the restaurant is open.


The Man Bitch
OF COURSE NOT EVERY BITCH IS A WOMAN...you knew that...



So if you are ever charged extra on a restaurant bill...ask yourself, which bitch was I???